Appreciating The Life We Get

I have often wanted a different life
A really successful one
Where my creative talents emerged victorious
I became someone
And I felt safe and secure
Recognized and valued

I wanted anything but to experience
The sadness and deep sense of failure I felt
The penetrating feeling that I had missed my life
And other people were getting a better deal
I stopped listening to music for many years
It was just too painful
And I fell into the deep well of existence
Where nothing could shield me from those thoughts
And the darkness came for me
And I gave myself to it
What if it was true, I had failed?
I had missed the opportunities
I hadn’t had the courage or fire
Or ambition, or luck, or skill
To be someone in the world, to be myself fully?
An existential agony swallowed me up

And then something happened
And I began to embrace my sense of failure
There was something about the falling
Something about the giving up
Something about the utter surrender of hope
That released me
How did I know what existence really wanted from me
Did I actually know life at all
Maybe there was a bigger pattern at work
And no matter what I feel, success or failure
I am always part of that pattern anyway?
Maybe it doesn’t matter what I do
As long as I do it with an open heart?

Maybe it’s just about appreciating what I have,
What I am, and the moment of existence that is this
Maybe if I stopped comparing myself to anyone and everyone
I could feel the freedom to just exist as this miracle of form

And thus I felt humility, and sadness, and grief, and freedom,
And joy, and love
And I began to become my real self, no longer chained
By my imagination of how it should look
But instead present and open, dedicated to truth and love
There is still the small one inside who, just now and then, says
‘I could have been someone,’
And I reply quietly, ‘You are someone.’

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