be kind to your experience

you find me in a moment of sadness
when my heart aches
for those lovers wrenched apart
by fate’s cruel hand

life can be
so very mean
it makes some
thick skinned and they try and
tough it out

but it doesn’t work

we all have to soften eventually
so do it now
better to soften up now
than at the end

be kind to your experience
and hold yourself
gently and lovingly
as you would a child

i can’t see any other way
to get through this.

two terrors

i must reluctantly confess
i have two terrors between which
i swing like a pendulum
the terror of existence
and the terror
of non-existence

i am a man
and yet knowing
the trap is of
his own making

this is existential agony
and the only answer
is to stay perfectly
still and listen to the sound
of what is.

face to face with god

and thus it came to pass
one day
that each and every story,
no matter how tall
and how implausible
no matter how real and convincing,
stopped working

the stories no longer
eased the pain
of existence
the stories no longer
offered some healing balm
they simply
dropped to the floor
in front of him
and ineffective

and there he stood
naked and empty
face to face
with god

there was nothing to say
nowhere to go
the abyss below
and eternity above

a great silence
consumed him
that felt like death,
and terror haunted him

yet he stayed
exactly where he was
unmoving and still
the dark night
wanting everything
every single thing
he thought he was
all his stories
all his pain, excuses, reasons
all his love and light,
a black hole
consuming the whole
of his universe

and he willingly
allowed himself
to be pulled
into the darkness

there is a sweetness
that you taste
when the self dies
it cannot be explained 
but can be compared to
that feeling you get when
you no longer care
about anything at all
and it makes you so happy you
start dancing.

the heart of your darkness

we fear the shadows

but really
it is our own darkness
we fear
we are a species
terrified of itself

when you have seen
the heart of your darkness
you will be whole 
but while you deny it
and push it away
in favour of
just the light
you will be
by the ghosts
and demons
of your shadow world

life is not light or shadow
life is whole
it is all things
it is you
who favours one
over the other

be whole, embrace everything

sorrow is such a blessing

if sorrow is ever
lost to the world
it will be the end
of us all
although it is
a great burden
to bear
sorrow nourishes
and brings
god’s holy water
to earth
so we all
may drink
our fill

do not turn away
from sorrow
but open fully
and die
into it
it will melt
even the
prison bars

Beneath The Surface Is A Demon

Everyone has a demon or two
They keep locked up
In the basement.

Some unwittingly
Let theirs loose
And the demon,
Freed from its entrapment,
Wreaks terror and
Hideous revenge
Upon people
Who are busy
Keeping their own
Under lock and key.

What is the solution
To this riddle?

Befriend your demon.
Even a demon
Just wants love,
To be seen and cared for,
So they can become
The small creature they
Once were.
Even the demon
Wants to return
To innocence.

They torment us
To get our attention.

©2016 Kavi Jezzie Hockaday
The Deep Sea Diver

a strange sense of foreboding

i confess
that sometimes
i am almost consumed
by a strange sense
of foreboding
that arrives
like a shroud
and threatens 
to haunt me
and terrify me to death.

and then i remember
to look closer
and i see
that the shroud of fear
is actually
an old sheet
dragged along
from the past,
no more than
a memory.

as i watch,
the sheet itself
falls to the ground
in a crumpled heap
and i am returned to
this moment
free of all haunting
and foreboding.

everything that is not
is an illusion.
Swimming Pool copy