worrying about nothing

when i realized
i was worrying about
nothing
i started laughing

you see most of my worrying
was about something
that never happened
some future event
predicted vaguely
by a cautious mind

but experience stepped in
and reminded me
that nearly everything
mind worried about
never actually happened

and that meant
i spent much of my valuable time
here on earth
worrying about nothing

oh! what a fool i felt
and, for a moment,
all the worry
vanished…

and then, like a demon
that will not die,
i started to worry
about how much time
i had wasted worrying…

life….is….exhausting….and quite amusing.

urban pilgrims in a fucked up beautiful world

just-before-dawn
they set forth
on their wild adventure
knowing that many had
taken the path before them
but still feeling
like the first

they were 
blazing a trail
living their own
sweet
mythic life

and thus they
said farewell
to their home shore
and set out
to the 
westernmost point
of the western world
and into the known
unknown

the urban pilgrims
in a fucked up
beautiful world.
(to be continued…)

time-and-space

each with our own reality

we are a mighty force
the human family
we appear to share
the same 
operating system
but run
very different
software

each of us
has our own
reality with its
own
rules
values
rights
and wrongs

it’s easy
to assume
that
our reality
is more right
than someone elses
and declare war
on them
but really
all this fighting
is a battle
of misperception
like children
arguing
in the school break

as long
as each of us
takes our
misperception
seriously
and literally
we are destined
to eternal
war

never take yourself
too seriously.

Seattle:2015
Seattle:2015

 

under the ecstatic sky

the-ecstatic-sky

I walked under
the ecstatic sky
and lost my self

oh joy!
may i never find
my self again

a sweet reverie
graced me
and i received 
it’s blessing,
mesmerised by
the patterns
god weaves

while others 
were busy looking down
and shuffling off

to their early morning
calling
i gazed toward
the heavens in
stunned silence

the sky, the sky
i have seen
ten thousand times before
surprised me
yet again

and brought me
to my knees
in sheer wonder

how can i not
appreciate
the simple majesty
of existence
when it offers me
its beauty
so freely?

the-ecstatic-sky-2-copy the-ecstatic-sky-3

god left the door open

piano light
we do not have to wait

for death
to return
to love

the door is open
always
not many can find it
because they don’t look
because they don’t know
it is there

but god left the door open
and sometimes
even those
who don’t want to know
catch a glimpse
of the light
that shines
through the cracks

everything that happens
is a reminder
of the open door

no one else
is needed
to go through
the door
no minister
or guru
there is no one
who stands
at the door
and decides

who gets in and who doesn’t
there is no bouncer
at the door of love

everyone
can walk through
voluntarily
no matter
what they have
or havent
done

but to go through
you
 have
to be willing

to give up
your
precious self
wall shadows

the sun rose to meet me

fat-old-sun-3

the sun rose to meet me
this morning
i felt obliged
to reciprocate

despite my woes
my pains
and my sorrows

i chose to make the date
how could i jilt
my true lover?

and, as always,
my lover met me fully
and uncompromisingly

with these words 
‘I meet you fresh
everyday
yet you come to me
with your stories.
i burn brightly
for you
yet so often
you meet me
with your light dimmed.
throw off your shackles
of past and future
and just meet me
here.
i will always
show up for you.’

i was glad
i showed up.
fat-old-sun-2 fat-old-sun

A Crazy Round Trip

Sausalito – Costa Rica – United Kingdom – Stockholm – Sausalito

Today, as I have built some sort of relationship with a few of you, I have decided to share part of our (my wife and I) unfolding adventure that has been happening this year. Why?

Because it has been, and still is, utterly crazy.

san-francisco-in-gold-copy
San Francisco from Sausalito

We left Sausalito, California, last December after a three month stay determined to live there. Amoda secured a publishing deal with a very prestigious company in Berkeley and this year she had to write THE BOOK!
AND she was going to apply for a long visa so we could stop the three month thing and live in place we are both very drawn to…California.

But when we left California in December last year we were homeless. We had given up our rented apartment here in the UK before we left and so suddenly we were nomadic and wandering and she had the most serious book of her life to write. And the visa to apply for. (If you have ever applied for a visa beyond the tourist visa, particularly for America, you will know what this entails…Its a legal case. It is hard core)

Puriscal, Costa Rica
Costa Rica

We started in Costa Rica for three months. But it was too hot, humid and the sound of cicadas drove us crazy. We were miles from anywhere with no transport and an empty house living in starkness.

It was as though we had been ejected from the Garden of Eden (Sausalito) and became lost in the wilderness. It certainly wasn’t a holiday!

Big Sky Small Boat
Hastings

We then returned to the UK and found a one room studio in the place we used to live, in Hastings on the south coast. But Amoda couldn’t write in such cramped conditions so she had to find some writing space. (She writes on delicate matters of non duality and deep spirituality and needs as close to silence to contemplate) Trusted House Sitters provided something close by thank goodness.

And then I got sick. We still don’t know why, and I am still carrying the effects, but something happened, maybe a bite or a scratch or something in Costa Rica but over the months from April till now a rash and skin condition descended upon my body that saw me fully covered, peeling, and unbelievable itching. Now it is whelts and weals on my skin. No fever and no illness. I’m not going to show you pictures I will spare you that!

The storm coming
Stockholm
matcha
Stockholm Cafe

We spent a month in Stockholm which was a great blessing.
We spent a few weeks north of London which was a great blessing.

And now we have been living in this apartment, sort of, during the last three months or so. It is run down, noisy and in an ugly part of town.

And all the time the book, the book, the book. And all the time the visa, the visa, the visa.

Let me tell you, we are both a couple of sensitive souls. And not young. I’m 57 years old. Doing all this as a young person is one thing. But as an older guy its actually quite tough. And without a base, a foundation, it has been very stressful. It really opened my eyes to what it must be like to have everything taken from you.

Truly, I can only begin to imagine what war must do to people. And the slide into homelessness must be tough.

We have felt like we were swimming across the vast ocean to try and make a dream happen. Some times we felt like we were drowning. We didn’t think we would make it. I have experienced melt down and fear, a kind of existential fear. We had to muster every ounce of strength, trust, persistence and resolve to keep going. But we kept on going.
When you strip yourself down and sacrifice everything, it kind of does something to you. It brings up even more of your stuff. Yes, it triggers you sometimes.

It is a ruthless Zen Teacher. And if you are the kind of person to listen and learn, and one who embraces challenge and life’s instruction, it is so powerful.

amoda-at-rupert-outtake-4
Amoda Maa Jeevan – My Wife.

My wife, Amoda Maa Jeevan, is a genius. She is the one who has made all this possible. It is her ‘goat like’ tendencies that start and simply keep going, methodically and thoroughly until the end goal is realised.

On my own I’m not like this at all. I’m a creative mess, a feather in the wind. Pisces moon….

And then two weeks ago she actually finished the book!!!!!!!!

And then a week and a half later we were at the US Embassy in London being told, ‘YOU HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN YOUR VISA APPLICATION.’!!!!!

And we danced from the Embassy much to everyone’s delight. I don’t think they see many mystic crazy folks there, it’s all very serious. Even the armed guards raised a smile when I showed them my delight.

And now here I sit, surrounded by the debris of our deconstruction, with, get this, only two weeks left before we get on the flight to return to Sausalito in California.
There are a million things we need to sort out, and when we hit the US a million more to sort out, like somewhere to live, a car, money, tax etc etc…

But don’t let anyone ever tell you that it’s too late, too much, too far, or you are too old, too young, too poor or too rich…Nothing is true on this plane of existence except what we make true.

san-francisco-bay-at-dawn-copy
San Francisco

It is all there. The only problem I can see, generally speaking, is one’s own mind.

cowboy 2 copy
Some Cowboy or other!

The adventure continues.
Thanks for reading you lovely people!!!

i drew back

i drew back from the edge
fearful of
what might happen
if i failed
but then
i found myself
trapped
by the
overwhelming
desire
to jump
and the dreadful fear
of doing so.

it’s a kind of
limbo
that involves
much effort
and resistance.

but let’s face it
we are screwed anyway
life is painful
jump
or stay.

so after a
moment or two
of realising the
utter hopelessness
of my situation
i jumped.

and….
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