Reclaimed Innocence

When I sit with you
And you show me your self
You reveal the pain and darkness
And all the times your innocence
Was closed down in fear

I see you
I see inside you
I see that which is not broken
I know you want to fix yourself
Because it hurts
But there is nothing to fix
Because you are not broken
Just wounded

I see your vulnerability
And sadness
Your anger and doubt
But there! In all that
I see your beauty
Still there, hiding, waiting

I see your innocence
Not gone, just waiting
Silently in the shadows
For the moment it can return
Surely it will return upon death
But there is a way
To allow innocence back, now

Innocence is the heart
It is like the sun
It can’t break
It can be hidden by dark clouds
That last a lifetime

Open all your doors
The ones you have kept closed
For protection all these years
You no longer need them
You are stronger than you know
And your strength
Is your openness
Your tenderness
And your reclaimed innocence.

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

When the Divine Appears

Some of this poetry is ecstatic
Some of it ordinary
Steeped in a kind of sadness
Kindness appears often
It can be gentle or ferocious
A storm or a calm sunset
I beseech
I tease
I challenge
And I love

I know what I am doing
And I don’t know what I’m doing
There is no plan or grand design
No marketing or sales pitch

I seek authenticity always
And cannot tolerate lies or deception

But there is something deeper
At the heart of all this writing
And sometimes it comes through
If I keep opening the door
If I stay willing to just lay it all bare
Sometimes, when the wave is high
The DIVINE appears
And smiles
And lays beauty upon us all
Upon you and me
And that is our healing

I live for that, and it cannot be forced, only invited,
And then we must carry on anyway regardless
The DIVINE has its own time, its own way
All we can do is court it.

Image by Glegle from Pixabay

The Holy Water We Swim In

Oh! how much I adore these words
Surrender
Kindness
Grace
Beauty
Tenderness
Vulnerability
Innocence

All of them
The arms and the legs of love
All of them underpinning
Our humanity

When the fighting is done
We return to these qualities
Without them we are not human

They are the holy waters we swim in
I see people struggle in their lives
Because they have forgotten
To dive into the only ocean that matters.
Image by David Mark from Pixabay

The Juice of Life

In such great need of control
In fear of his own vulnerability
Enslaved by anger and resentment
And conditioned to mind’s righteousness
Did he squeeze all the juice out of life
Did his inner flame perish
And all beauty fade to grey
Life lost meaning
And he died while living

True life springs from surrender
From embracing our wounds
From walking through darkness
From discovering our inner nobility
From turning towards heart

The juice of life
Is in our brokenness, our kindness
Our tenderness and our beauty
Our sorrow, joy and acceptance
Turn towards it
Again and again and again.
Image by Susanne Jutzeler, suju fotografie from Pixabay

I Returned From the Darkness – It Wasn’t a Spiritual Journey, It Was a Human One

When most people meet me these days, in our events or even socially, they see someone who is bright, active, grounded and (hopefully) full of love. Many are quite shocked to know how dramatic my transformation has been, and how I haven’t been like this always but have wrestled with many demons and overcome a lot to get to this point.
But it is very true. And not a day goes by I don’t give thanks for the grace that allowed me to catch a glimpse of the light far away down the tunnel, and held me as I took a hundred thousand steps through the darkness to find it.

A hundred thousand steps, one at a time, sometimes falling, stumbling, and failing. Going backwards, defeated and lost. And then getting up, dusting myself down, and carrying on. Pulled by some unseen hand, not knowing what I was really aiming for, but knowing I could not stay where I was or who I was. There was an inner me calling to be freed, and I served that one.

Through addiction, through dysfunctional relating, through ten years of illness, through negativity and fear, through the wounds of childhood carried unconsciously like great sacks of sorrow into each intimate experience.

Through catharsis, body work, ceremony, prayer, through endless therapy, meditation, self inquiry, fasting, detoxification, through exercise, through hopelessness and acceptance of death, through meeting the deepest existential hole at the center of everything, on and on. Oh I have been in the darkness. I never stopped seeking what was true for me, what was deeper, what was real and honest. I never stopped until I arrived at love’s open door.

And then I walked in.

And when I walked in through that door, the door disappeared, the past disappeared, separation disappeared and everything that had been so hard, so divided, so troubled, became just one thing, one immense and beautiful dance of agony and ecstasy, of the appearance of duality and the illusion of the dream. There was this remarkable sense of arriving home, where I had always been, but had been so lost in pain and imagination I had not realized it.

And that did not mean that suddenly there was nothing more to do. No. There was the ongoing living of this remarkable awareness, in humility and truth. The darkness is still there, no longer as the dominant force it was, but as a whisper of a fragrance of a ghost. It comes sometimes, when I am at my most vulnerable or stressed, and it taps me on the shoulder and says,’ Remember me, I am your reminder to stay humble and open, to stay here as love’s tenderness.’

I stay with gratitude to the grace that allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for reading. It is possible, with grit and grace, to walk through the darkness and into the light. It’s not a spiritual journey, it’s a necessary human one. And everyone can do it.

Grace – The Nectar of the Gods

I have fallen in so many holes
Been disappointed and felt let down
I have been furious and triggered
Thousands of times
I have wanted to run away from everything
Even end it all and vanish from existence
I have hurt others and been hurt
Done things I regret and made countless mistakes
I have missed opportunities and messed up
I have been righteous, rude and ignorant
Neglected when I could have cared
And turned away when I could have stayed

Yet now, as life courses through these veins,
As maturity deepens the wine
And a certain wisdom brings clarity
I see how everything fits together
I understand the pattern of being human

It doesn’t matter how long it takes
Even in the last minutes of life
At the final curtain
It doesn’t really matter what has been done
What really matters
Is whether it leads to love or not
Whether the door of love opens
And the milk of human and divine kindness
Flows or not
To arrive at forgiveness, compassion, kindness,
To arrive at sorry or great tenderness of heart
Is grace

And a moment of true grace
Is the nectar of the gods
And all life’s experience is designed
For the opportunity
To arrive at the door of that grace
We are the conduits of possibility
And the possibilities are infinite

I have fallen in so many holes
But all of them led to grace.

Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash